안녕하세요 여러분!

Yeah, I forgot how much I despise vocabulary, like a lot. I knew I didn’t like the idea of forgetting a lot and having to learn the vocabulary section but I really just forget how much I hated it 🙁

Today I studied 85 words. That’s it. Just 85 words 🙁

The grammar is perfectly fine, as I am sure you can all recall if you’ve read any of my previous posts I have a love of grammar and the puzzles I create in my mind of it. Grammar is so cool!

I could spend hours on grammar….

but vocabulary is the death of me 🙂

Yet that’s what I remember less of, its alright I guess, in that I would rather forget vocabulary than grammar, since its faster to acquire the meanings of words etc, versus grammar where you can spend 20 min on one lol. But still, just some thoughts of mine.

But so far going alright on my study plan ^_^

             ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Again, another Justin Bieber cover in Korean. I should stop linking those, but for some unknown reason I turned into a Belieber  when I came across a video of Justin Bieber saying 지드래곤 had talent. I was like okay I have to give his music a shot now, he likes 오빠 😉 and then I liked them..sooo…but they are so much better in Korean so I listen to those.

 

다음에 또 만나요 🙂

안녕하세요.

Today was my evaluation lesson for Korean. Oh my god, I was nervous but looking forward to it.

So the news, I have forgotten the bulk of vocabulary I used to know, so fast track I now have a 100 word a week lesson plan. And to make sure I am 100% truly alright even though I know the information I have asked to have a foundation plan too alongside some other Intermediate content.

My reading is fast as it always was, I remember things in the sense I can see something, read it, understand it, but I fail at utilizing that information on my own. I cannot re-create what I know and communicate as effectively as I once could.

But really its just my vocabulary that is awful, and my mistakes on a few simple grammar points, yet some are unaffected.

Well… here is a Korean version of Justin Biebers’ “Love Yourself”

Its a beautiful cover of a beautiful song, her voice is flawless, some people just have amazing voices and talent. Enjoy.

Just a quick update.

다음에 또 만나요 🙂

Hello everyone, long time.

Hope everyone has been okay, today I went out, like I left my house. It was weird, my palms got sweaty, my hands were shaking and I almost felt like throwing up.

That is TMI, I know, I am sorry, but this is how I am right now and I just wanted to state it, to move onto my post title, I have moments of sanity too. I have moments when I lift my head, and I feel like I can do it, and I make plans in my head.

Sadly though, like everything in life, those thoughts and moments dont last long for me, and before I know it, I am sitting in my room trying my hardest to pretend, to fool myself that nothing is wrong and that I am okay.

NOT GOING TO WORK!

But I think I am okay with that, I am not okay, but I am okay with not being okay.

So in the last few days, I dont know what triggered this in me, but I have been really thinking, what do I want, what can I do?! I dont know the answers to these questions, I am no longer as sure of myself as I once was.

But I figured a good space to start was here, and since my Bluehost auto-renewed and I got a notification it seemed like a sign to start here. So here I am.

I have no clue what to do with my life, I haven’t been studying shit, so my Korean level has dropped, my IQ has probably dropped lol, all I have done is play video games and watch tv.

Occasionally while I game I have Korean TV in the background for listening practice, while avoiding things that could trigger me, things trigger me now, and when they do oh holly doo dah is it a nightmare. I have learnt to max out my control as I get very odd urges (bad stuff dont know young-lings might be reading this so shhh) ^_^

But back to like life, and studies. I dont know what I want to study, every time I think I know what to try I back out. The last was Journalism and Media Studies, but it falls short of me being a language and culture person at my core as a human being so I dont think I could have any enjoyment from it. Or maybe I could? I dont know.

So school, on the fence about what to do 🙂 but of course doing it once I figure it out.

Language, I suck right now I am sure of it, so I have decided to take like a few lessons to act as both a review (some content yo) – and to have an evaluation of what my level is and what I need to pick up with. No more Japanese just Korean now.

Why?

You didn’t ask, and you dont care but I will share. I wanna go to Korea, and I have my trip planned out I just have to save for like half a year and go 😛 I am determined to go to Korea, not only because this is Korean Notebook, and not only because I love Korea and Korean but also to cleanse my soul.

I need it. And I will do it.

So I have to put myself to it and get going, evaluation of my Korean level is in like 2 days and then from there I know what to do 🙂

In the meantime, in a bit I will have like a really bad video of my books (like a mini-book tour) – I say MINI because I dont have half of my books, they have been packed away and misplaced, and I have to look for them. These are what I have now. So I have like 20 books and magazines and different resources I need to find 🙁

It will be a long night. (what with gaming and all too)

Well, laters 😀 (and if you made it to the end grats)

Tell me how you been in a comment 🙂 missed ya’ll.

Kay

The other day I was talking to a girl, who is 22, and she lost her mum earlier this year to a terminal illness and from the beginning she has helped me as much as she can. We are both in a lot of pain. 
She also cut and she told me not to anymore even if it did help, in fact she said she knows it helps a lot but she said she knows when I go out people will stare, I don’t go out anymore honestly and it’s chilly here at the moment so I can wear long tops to cover the cuts. And at home with my dad and sister I just keep my arm down and if it’s seen which is unlikely my mum was the one that cared about me even when I wasn’t being the Kirsty she thought I should be. Her princess. Even then she always noticed and asked me how I was. 
Bud the girl I was talking to said to take my mind off of hurting myself I should try and watch a movie called Wild about a young woman called Cheryl Strayed. 
Her mum passed when she was 22 and she took a destructive path until she walked three months on a hiking trail. And she said it would be cathartic for me. I wish it were. It only hurt me more. 
It’s a true story so the whole time I kept thinking to myself if I had known. If I had known this would happen i might not hurt this bad, but my behavior and the things I said and did to my mum out of anger and jelousy will haunt me as long as I am earth bound. How do I know she knows I love her with all of my being, how do I know she loves me back. 
I just feel really sad today. I don’t feel like being here anymore and I barely speak to my dad and he yelled at me again this morning for it. He’s a little sick at the moment his voice is almost gone and this morning I woke up and came and just sat in the lounge and to get here I have to pass my mom and dads room and when I did I saw him standing at the door and I said nothing. I just passed him and came to sit down. 
He came to the lounge and I didn’t say anything still, just continued doing nothing. He just said please open the gate for me and I was coming and then he came to get a book in the house and then I just said “that’s the first thing you say to me” – that’s when he mentioned how I passed him and said nothing and how he was coughing and sick all night. I zoned out it was just like three minutes of him speaking to me. 
I remember saying something silly like its the person entering the room that should say hello! I just wanted him to leave and I could sit alone in my misery. 
He left for work and I came back and sat down, my sister woke up about ten minutes later and I said morning to her first and she had the insensitivity to say to me “Oh I thought the person who enters the room says hello first?” And I just sighed in response at first and I don’t know if my next response was the right thing to say but I said to her “well sorry I was polite don’t worry you won’t have to deal with it long I’ll be dead soon” 🙁 
I know that was cruel, but I said hello to her with a smile why could she not just reply? Why speak in such a tone? She knew I was feeling terrible from yesterday because I even jumped into her bed at 2am because I didn’t want to feel so alone in my bed. She surely could hear me trying to sleep while muffling my cries with a pillow. 
So she knew I felt just like dying and maybe all I needed was a smile. 
Her next words to my I admit cruel and calous response was just as cruel and let’s just say for the next five mins it was one cruel reply after the other a brief breakdown : 
Ash : yeah mummy would be so proud of you wanting to kill your self 
Kay : she probably wouldn’t but we would be together and she would be happy with me. 
Ash : what do you think you’re doing huh? You’re hurting with regrets because you say you weren’t nice to mummy but you’re doing the same to daddy. What will you feel if something happens to him? Will you be happy? What do you want? 
Kay : you know what I wish it was daddy instead of mummy. 
Ash : something is wrong with you. Ugh. Why don’t you listen to yourself and look at yourself. Do you think how you’re acting is normal. Mummy would be so proud of her princess right? 
From there I was crying so much I just stopped and my sister unlike my dad is the action I’m sorry type eg. She got up and started playing and says to me “wanna team up and do some quests in dreanor with me. I will help you gear if you want because yours is effing lousy” — I said sure but hours later the words we said to each other are still hurting me! I feel sad and depressed. We were fine all day our usual joking selves after that but it still hurts. 
My dad mentioned how I need to get my drivers license and it’s strange the first thing I thought of was “it would be easier to create a cover story of me driving to our farm and kill myself due to carbon monoxide poisoning if I had a drivers license” yeah weird I know everyone says don’t I have my life and hey I clearly don’t know what’s coming in my life I never would have thought of this that Sunday when I woke up and went to my mums room and woke her up. Never. So the world has thrown some cruel shit at me probably to make me check out sooner or forced to and honestly I feel like doing it. I am going on that whole live the years your mum did right now so I might not checkout too soon. 
I will try and leave home soon though because I can’t take it and the story of Cheryl Strayed and also if I take risks might lead me to a death I won’t physically inflict upon myself. This meant to be shit I’ve heard so much about. Yeah cos the world wants me to hurt this damn much. Must have been Hitler in a previous life to deserve this. Because what have I done wrong? What? Sure occasionally being basically a child I didn’t listen and clean up when I was asked. When I was asked to do any chores I would take an hour or two, I would get annoyed and take it personally when my mum never gave all of her attention and what I perceived her love to me. Was I selfish and immature? Yes. But I am 20 and I was always babied by my mum. I was with her more than I was with my sister and dad combined in a week. Whenever my mummy went I was never far behind. I told her everything. Even when she said “I am too old for this my baby” she listened and knew what I was saying. 
This is getting long but pleas allow me to keep typing. If you’ve followed for a while you’ll know I’m a massive Jung Yonghwa and CNBLUE fan and my mum always made jokes of it and she knew how majorly obsessed with Jung Yonghwa I was and it was always the one thing I never needed permission to purchase was Yonghwa and CNBLUE merch. And now I saw on my feed they releasing a new album and it hurt so bad when I looked at it and I knew that I couldn’t look at the teaser run and say “omg mummy look he looks perfect. Song is going to be amazing. Can’t wait to see the mv and hope fnc puts effort into the LE” and have her reply with a smile “yeah you’ve found another way to spend my money” I know I will never get another car ride where I dominate the music with Koop and guess which members voice it is. I will never get to hear my mum mix up exo and another group my sister is obsessed with! 
Never get to hear her side with my sister that Gdragon is cool and I’m being a hatee while we laugh together. 
I will never get to run around looking for my mum in a hardware store because all the isles look a like and she walked too fast for me. 
I will never hear her voice asking me if I did something only for me to lie and say yeah I did and she knew instantly I hasn’t and would say “Nana are you sure? I know you and you haven’t done it yet you” 
I can’t take this! This bullshit about being strong and living for me and how I have my whole furture ahead of me. Do you know how bad this hurts? Look back at my posts looks how happy and positive I was. That was my mum she made me feel like that. She was by my side always and she she has a smile for me no matter what. No matter how bratty and rude I was being she has love for me. No everyone wants me to up and pull myself together? For what? When I wake up in the morning I don’t have the only person that loved me and showed me kindness when I had done everything in my power NOT to deserve it. She is gone and if I live will not see her again for the next forty years. I don’t know if I can do that at all. 
My eyes are teary and I feel like dying right now. My head hurts and I’m lying down alone in the dark in my room. Signals time to end my rant. 
Not much language journey anymore sorry >.< I have nowhere else to write this…and to the comments and messages on fb and everywhere thank you. I don’t reply to some because it hurts but i read them and take them to heart. Pretty much feels like all I have now …since I can’t say anything to my dad and sis!! 
Bye