Watched a movie and thought!! 

The other day I was talking to a girl, who is 22, and she lost her mum earlier this year to a terminal illness and from the beginning she has helped me as much as she can. We are both in a lot of pain. 
She also cut and she told me not to anymore even if it did help, in fact she said she knows it helps a lot but she said she knows when I go out people will stare, I don’t go out anymore honestly and it’s chilly here at the moment so I can wear long tops to cover the cuts. And at home with my dad and sister I just keep my arm down and if it’s seen which is unlikely my mum was the one that cared about me even when I wasn’t being the Kirsty she thought I should be. Her princess. Even then she always noticed and asked me how I was. 
Bud the girl I was talking to said to take my mind off of hurting myself I should try and watch a movie called Wild about a young woman called Cheryl Strayed. 
Her mum passed when she was 22 and she took a destructive path until she walked three months on a hiking trail. And she said it would be cathartic for me. I wish it were. It only hurt me more. 
It’s a true story so the whole time I kept thinking to myself if I had known. If I had known this would happen i might not hurt this bad, but my behavior and the things I said and did to my mum out of anger and jelousy will haunt me as long as I am earth bound. How do I know she knows I love her with all of my being, how do I know she loves me back. 
I just feel really sad today. I don’t feel like being here anymore and I barely speak to my dad and he yelled at me again this morning for it. He’s a little sick at the moment his voice is almost gone and this morning I woke up and came and just sat in the lounge and to get here I have to pass my mom and dads room and when I did I saw him standing at the door and I said nothing. I just passed him and came to sit down. 
He came to the lounge and I didn’t say anything still, just continued doing nothing. He just said please open the gate for me and I was coming and then he came to get a book in the house and then I just said “that’s the first thing you say to me” – that’s when he mentioned how I passed him and said nothing and how he was coughing and sick all night. I zoned out it was just like three minutes of him speaking to me. 
I remember saying something silly like its the person entering the room that should say hello! I just wanted him to leave and I could sit alone in my misery. 
He left for work and I came back and sat down, my sister woke up about ten minutes later and I said morning to her first and she had the insensitivity to say to me “Oh I thought the person who enters the room says hello first?” And I just sighed in response at first and I don’t know if my next response was the right thing to say but I said to her “well sorry I was polite don’t worry you won’t have to deal with it long I’ll be dead soon” 🙁 
I know that was cruel, but I said hello to her with a smile why could she not just reply? Why speak in such a tone? She knew I was feeling terrible from yesterday because I even jumped into her bed at 2am because I didn’t want to feel so alone in my bed. She surely could hear me trying to sleep while muffling my cries with a pillow. 
So she knew I felt just like dying and maybe all I needed was a smile. 
Her next words to my I admit cruel and calous response was just as cruel and let’s just say for the next five mins it was one cruel reply after the other a brief breakdown : 
Ash : yeah mummy would be so proud of you wanting to kill your self 
Kay : she probably wouldn’t but we would be together and she would be happy with me. 
Ash : what do you think you’re doing huh? You’re hurting with regrets because you say you weren’t nice to mummy but you’re doing the same to daddy. What will you feel if something happens to him? Will you be happy? What do you want? 
Kay : you know what I wish it was daddy instead of mummy. 
Ash : something is wrong with you. Ugh. Why don’t you listen to yourself and look at yourself. Do you think how you’re acting is normal. Mummy would be so proud of her princess right? 
From there I was crying so much I just stopped and my sister unlike my dad is the action I’m sorry type eg. She got up and started playing and says to me “wanna team up and do some quests in dreanor with me. I will help you gear if you want because yours is effing lousy” — I said sure but hours later the words we said to each other are still hurting me! I feel sad and depressed. We were fine all day our usual joking selves after that but it still hurts. 
My dad mentioned how I need to get my drivers license and it’s strange the first thing I thought of was “it would be easier to create a cover story of me driving to our farm and kill myself due to carbon monoxide poisoning if I had a drivers license” yeah weird I know everyone says don’t I have my life and hey I clearly don’t know what’s coming in my life I never would have thought of this that Sunday when I woke up and went to my mums room and woke her up. Never. So the world has thrown some cruel shit at me probably to make me check out sooner or forced to and honestly I feel like doing it. I am going on that whole live the years your mum did right now so I might not checkout too soon. 
I will try and leave home soon though because I can’t take it and the story of Cheryl Strayed and also if I take risks might lead me to a death I won’t physically inflict upon myself. This meant to be shit I’ve heard so much about. Yeah cos the world wants me to hurt this damn much. Must have been Hitler in a previous life to deserve this. Because what have I done wrong? What? Sure occasionally being basically a child I didn’t listen and clean up when I was asked. When I was asked to do any chores I would take an hour or two, I would get annoyed and take it personally when my mum never gave all of her attention and what I perceived her love to me. Was I selfish and immature? Yes. But I am 20 and I was always babied by my mum. I was with her more than I was with my sister and dad combined in a week. Whenever my mummy went I was never far behind. I told her everything. Even when she said “I am too old for this my baby” she listened and knew what I was saying. 
This is getting long but pleas allow me to keep typing. If you’ve followed for a while you’ll know I’m a massive Jung Yonghwa and CNBLUE fan and my mum always made jokes of it and she knew how majorly obsessed with Jung Yonghwa I was and it was always the one thing I never needed permission to purchase was Yonghwa and CNBLUE merch. And now I saw on my feed they releasing a new album and it hurt so bad when I looked at it and I knew that I couldn’t look at the teaser run and say “omg mummy look he looks perfect. Song is going to be amazing. Can’t wait to see the mv and hope fnc puts effort into the LE” and have her reply with a smile “yeah you’ve found another way to spend my money” I know I will never get another car ride where I dominate the music with Koop and guess which members voice it is. I will never get to hear my mum mix up exo and another group my sister is obsessed with! 
Never get to hear her side with my sister that Gdragon is cool and I’m being a hatee while we laugh together. 
I will never get to run around looking for my mum in a hardware store because all the isles look a like and she walked too fast for me. 
I will never hear her voice asking me if I did something only for me to lie and say yeah I did and she knew instantly I hasn’t and would say “Nana are you sure? I know you and you haven’t done it yet you” 
I can’t take this! This bullshit about being strong and living for me and how I have my whole furture ahead of me. Do you know how bad this hurts? Look back at my posts looks how happy and positive I was. That was my mum she made me feel like that. She was by my side always and she she has a smile for me no matter what. No matter how bratty and rude I was being she has love for me. No everyone wants me to up and pull myself together? For what? When I wake up in the morning I don’t have the only person that loved me and showed me kindness when I had done everything in my power NOT to deserve it. She is gone and if I live will not see her again for the next forty years. I don’t know if I can do that at all. 
My eyes are teary and I feel like dying right now. My head hurts and I’m lying down alone in the dark in my room. Signals time to end my rant. 
Not much language journey anymore sorry >.< I have nowhere else to write this…and to the comments and messages on fb and everywhere thank you. I don’t reply to some because it hurts but i read them and take them to heart. Pretty much feels like all I have now …since I can’t say anything to my dad and sis!! 
Bye

A Post of Many Bits and Pieces.

Hello all 🙂

How has everyone been? I hope you’ve all been well.

So this post comes about as I had yet another horrible fight with my Dad and sister.

Lets just say from the last post I made here I haven’t gotten any better, in fact you could say I have completely fallen apart. Am I proud of that? NO. Can I help it? No, either.

I am totally inactive with everything in my life right now, I haven’t eaten in two days. I keep blaming myself more and more each day. In my head I remember the last thing I said to my Mummy 🙁 and I wish that’s not what they were…I want to replace it all with I love you

I killed her…it’s all my fault.

Talking to my family (what remains) is hard as it is, they tell me I should speak but they don’t want to talk about what I want to talk about. My Dad and my sister…

Last night though, I hope you all don’t mind me sharing here but last night I was yelled at, my both my Dad and my sister. It started small, till I snapped — it was simple — my Dad asked why I haven’t been eating the food he has been buying. Simple things like he started off getting chicken and I didn’t eat, I left it in the fridge, different kinds of beef ribs because I loved beef ribs always made for everyone. There was over 10 packs and I hadn’t touched any. Just didn’t eat.

He got me yogurts and all sorts. And I hadn’t eaten them.

Haven’t now either…but that’s not the point.

But he said to me after I yelled I don’t want to be here he said to me You would prefer that all me and Silvia worked for fell apart, we have no one, no family the both of us, everything we did we did for the two of you. How can you say you love her when you would see everything she worked for fall apart and destroy it all. You don’t love her if you can’t even think of everything she did and continue with it all. You are the oldest, you were always together, you know how much pride she had for you. She wanted everything for you

It’s not true. I do love her, and its not that I want everything to collapse I just want to be with her, and I won’t tell a lie I have asked myself why I am still sitting here on this earth, why my heart didn’t stop the day her’s did. Why I have been cursed to live …I have an escape but everyone will hate me if I take it. Yesterday before the fight with my Dad and sister, I sat outside on a step in our yard holding a razor and I watched my vein, I stared at it and thought to myself “It’s there, just cut, press deep into my vein and cut, I will bleed out” and with no one around at that time of morning it would be hours before I was found.

I hated myself for not having the courage, all I was able to do was make a few cuts to feel better, I kept thinking if I cut and made myself bleed out who would find me? My sister? Did I want her to see that? To feel the way I do? For a second I said to myself, I don’t care and then I thought again, she will be alone. Now we have each other but if I died she would be alone.

I spoke to some people who have gone through this as well, and all said one thing to me.

Even if you want to take the exit. Don’t. If not for yourself then for your Mum. Live her years in honor. She lived 53 years. So I should make it to 53 and reevaluate. If at 53 I still feel like taking the exit myself, then I have earned the right to do so after living in honor of my Mum till her age.

I can’t see myself making it to 53yo but I will try.

I can’t anyone for certain if I would make it past 25, but all I can do is try.

Hope this didn’t suck.

Bye.

I’ve Heard Grief Can Destroy a Family or Bring Them Together!

I am sorry to post such depressing posts but I can’t talk to anyone I feel lost and alone and expressing through a post seems the only outlet.

I’ve heard mourning for a loved one can either destroy or bring a family closer, and I wish it was the latter for me but right now I seem to be the person who is destroying everyone. I am not doing it on purpose. But me turning into a walking vegetable makes everyone angry and I don’t know how to stop. Whatever I say or do or don’t do turns into something.

Today being the worst, I could never do much right and now is no different. I am sorry to my dad and sister for how I am acting but I am trying, and I don’t know why they can’t see that. I wake up in the morning, is that not enough effort?

I don’t know what more they want from me. Do they want old Kay back? So do I. But she isn’t here. She’s gone and there is s good chance she will never return.

When I don’t speak it’s taken as a sign of anger or I’m sulking. Why not ask a question before assuming how I feel. Am I angry? Yes, very angry. But that is not the reason I dont speak. I don’t speak because I have no one to speak to. My best friend is gone. I am sad. I am depressed. I am sorry you feel like I am overdoing it. But honestly what the fuck do you want from me?

Do you want me to get up and continue like my life is normal? Because its not and never will be. A part of me I won’t lie wants to collapse, but give me some credit and say you know what this girl is trying. She isn’t doing well it’s clear but she is trying. When I am told to eat, I am not hungry but I open my mouth and eat.

When I am asked a question, even just a simple one of where the remote is I don’t have the will to answer, my mouth is dry, but I answer. I am doing my best.

Not doing what I have always enjoyed. Yah, I am doing none of that believe me I have tried, I try and do things its not like I sit and cry and do nothing all day. It ends up that way but I try to do stuff. Watching TV and playing computer games is the only thing I can do.

I am now left feeling like I need to run. I just want to run away. I feel like applying to a University hours and hours away just so I can have loads to do. Continent jumping appeals to me now, I never really wanted to leave Africa but now I just want to be so far away I don’t think.I was taught  not to run from my problems but to me this seems like the only way I can stay alive.

Apologies for the depressing post.

My Future Intentions With Life and This Blog ⏰⏰😩

Morning.

If you’ve been following my Instagram and Twitter you’ll know that my Mom has passed away and I have not been handling it well, today marks the first week since her death. And over the last week I’ve gone through so many emotions …I’ve been sad as I still am right now then I’ve been angry and sad at the same time. Then I’ve blamed myself, saying I could have changed everything. I could have had a situation and done things different and still have my Mom with me.

I still am feeling all of these things. I still feel sad, sad I will never see my Mum, sad I will never feel her again. I feel angry, angry at this so-called God I keep being told to pray to, he took her from me he is a monster and now I must pray to him. For what? Blaming myself, blaming myself saying it’s my fault and maybe if I was a better person, maybe if I had checked on my mum, maybe if I had been there she would be here right now and I wouldn’t be writing this.

I keep being told “Be strong” “Don’t cry” and all of those. I don’t understand where they are coming from. And I am not refusing to listen, I just don’t see how those advises can help. I have to deal with this in my own way. Telling me how isn’t going to help me, I was close to my Mum in the last ten years I never spent a day away from her so don’t tell me how to react. You have no right. You don’t know the relationship we had. And this waw something I never saw coming. I never learnt anything from my Mum because we always said “I’ll be here for you always so it’s okay” – and that is a reason I don’t want to pray to this God, he promises all who serve him 70years and my Mum was a God fearing woman who said she claimed her seventy years and God never breaks he’s promise, well, he lied and I won’t pray to a liar and a thief of life. I refuse. I am going to church today because my Mum always wanted us to go, and no one ever did, but only for her not because I even believe in this so-called “comfort” 🙁

Now you know what has happened and how I feel! The future of my life and this blog has come into question. Will I continue to blog here? Will I still study languages? Will I still want to be everything I said I wanted to be? What will I be doing going forward? I will answer all of that now.

Will I still continue to blog here?
Yes, I will, mainly because my Mum always thought the idea of my blog was “neat” – and I think she would appreciate if I continued it. Right now if I’m being honest with everyone here I don’t feel like doing much. My spirits are low and when I try and do something I remember what I would usually do if it went well. I would run and tell my Mum. And I can’t anymore. But she knew I loved this and although I don’t love anything right now she probably doesn’t want me stopping so I won’t. For my Mum.

Will I still study languages?
Yes, I will still continue with my language studies. My mum loved it so much when I spoke about my languages and she knew they made me smile and made me happy, and it would hurt my heart to stop doing something she knew made me smile. Maybe every time I smile with learning she will smile with me. I have to believe that. She also always wanted me to either be a doctor or something that made me happy with my languages, and being a teacher or translator/interpreter would make me happy and right now I don’t feel like living let alone thinking of a career path but I know my mum wouldn’t want me to waste my life so everything I am doing is for her now. So the languages and pursuits of being everything my mum believed I could be will just get stronger now.

Will I still want to be everything I said I wanted to be?
Ofc, and the motivation and drive just got worse. Because I won’t let my mum down. I did that enough. I want to make her proud of me, I want to make her love me. She may have loved me but I don’t know. Lots of people keep saying a Mother never hates her children and even if I said I hated her she never took it to heart. But I don’t know, so I want to prove to her I love her and I will do anything for her.

What will I be doing going forward?
Everything my mum wanted and believed I could do. I know what my mum believed I could do and I will carry those wishes out. That is my reason for living now. Nothing else. To prove that she is in me and she lived to get me here. I live for you Mummy.

the last two paragraphs were written after some time, think two or three hours and after church which just made me angry/

This isn’t relevant, but does anyone believe in clairvoyants who can speak to people on the other side?

Kirsten ∆